Humiliation is the Wages of Friendliness OR Food Tastes Better When it's Free

I get a fair amount of free stuff, mostly food, from businesses that I regularly frequent. I attribute this to the fact that I say things like, "Good morning," "How are you?" and "Have a good weekend!" and thus acknowledge the humanity and dignity in the person behind the register who has probably been treated like an order-taking automaton by the previous 25 people to come through his or her line.

Sometimes this can have unintended humiliating consequences. Like when you go off to work in the morning and don't realize until 2pm that you have a giant hickey on your neck, and you think back to all the people who gave you strange looks that day and they include:

1. The crossing guard you always say good morning to on your way to the train station.
2. The guy who gives out the free daily paper at the train station who you always say good morning and make small talk with.
3. The barista and cashier at the coffeeshop who are so awesome that as soon as they see you come into the shop they start making your order before you even order it so you always make sure to make extra small talk with them so they know how much you appreciate the kickass jobs they do.
4. The doorman who sits by the elevators at your office building who you always say good morning to.
5. The receptionist who sits by the elevators on your floor who you always say good morning to.
6. Your coworker who has been coming by your desk to make pleasantries all day.

I'm not sure if that last one really counts because you know him, but all told, you've hickey-flashed a good half-dozen near-strangers this morning who despite being near-strangers interact with you on a daily basis and so might (and most likely are) totally be judging you for shamelessly flashing your hickey all over town. Humiliation is the wages of friendliness.

Once I went to a music festival called Bamboozle even though I was about 50% above the median age and 250% below the median hipster-factor of the crowd. I had to go because LOCKSLEY was playing, and I don't know if you all knew this, but Locksley is the best band ever. It was cold and rainy and loud and miserable and embarrassing and made me feel older than I've ever felt in my life and there was nowhere to sit down while waiting for Locksley's evening set and finally I got hungry and resigned myself to the fact I was about to pay $15 for a soft pretzel and a cup of coffee/cocoa. (Mixing coffee and cocoa is like MacGyver Café Mocha, only you need about 4-5 of them to equal a double mocha.)

Coming from a Southern heritage, growing up I was always taught to put on a smile and be pleasant to strangers no matter how cold and rainy it is and no matter how much your back hurts from standing all day in a muddy gravel wasteland and no matter how overpriced the food is. So when I got to the front of the line to order, I smiled and engaged in small talk with the older gentleman working the counter who was totally impressed with my clever coffee/cocoa idea. I got my food and moved down to the register line to pay for my overpriced nitrites. As I was approaching the cashier, Counter Guy popped over and told Cashier Lady, "Hers is on me!" and I didn't have to pay! It is very possible that without this small act of kindness, I may have killed myself just to put myself out of my misery that day. When you think about it, that Counter Guy might have saved my life.

I also regularly get free drinks and sometimes food at the place where I buy lunch a lot at work. I know pop is totally bad for me, so I never order a drink with my meal, but if the guy behind the counter says, "Here, have a drink on us!" and hands me a fountain drink, it would be totally rude if I said, "Sorry, drinking anything other than water is super unhealthy!" so I go ahead and get 20 oz of Mr. Pibb -- just out of politeness, of course.

Sometimes receiving free things can be awkward. I understand that a gift is a gift only when freely given, so I don't want to depend on getting free stuff. This one guy is so sweet on me that even if I don't go through his line, when he sees me at the pick-up counter waiting for my order, completely bereft of beverage, he gives me a cup immediately! So now, because he goes out of his way to give me free stuff even when I don't interact with him, I feel like I have to go out of my way to interact with him! When I come in during the rush I want to say, "Hi! How are you! Good to see you! Horrible weather we are having!! THANK GOD ITS FRIDAY!!!!!" But I also don't want to disrespect him by distracting him as if his job isn't important, and making all the other customers angry because he's smiling at me instead of working. So I try to catch his eye at some point so I can smile and say pleasantries. But then if it's so busy that I never catch his eye, I am afraid when I have to walk by him again to leave the restaurant he will see me walking away and be hurt that I didn't say hi to him, and think I am just using him for the free pop.

Today the guy who usually gives me free drinks was helping another customer, and this other girl helped me instead. After chatting and conducting our business, she smiled and handed me a cup, "because I know you always get one from [the other guy]." I beamed and accepted the burden of having to drink Mr. Pibb with modesty. But then, when I went to press the Mr. Pibb button, nothing came out. I was just in the midst of mentally (or maybe quietly to myself) screaming, "Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!" and contemplating how rude it would be to ask someone to fix/restock/wizard the fountain machine so that I can have the specific drink I want that I didn't pay for, when fortunately the machine began obeying again.

Which is how I come to be drinking this delicious Mr Pibb as we speak.