Drug Opinions: Adderall Should Be Sold in Vending Machines Edition

If Mark McGuire has taught me anything about life, it's that hard work can't compete with cyborgizing your body and making it better than it was before. There are just some of us who aren't as good at life or its various aspects as other people, and we need performance-enhancing drugs to level the playing field.

It would be great if being "successful" was directly correlated with a person's sense of humor, nurturing qualities, uncanny ability to find an appropriate analogy for any situation, or skill at selecting scarves and hats to match one's outfit. Instead, success seems to depend more on things like punctuality, organization, and the ability to churn out jaw-dropping quantities of often mind-numbingly boring work each day. Yes, our society cruelly and unjustly privileges organized, productive, punctual folk over loving, funny, creative, and well-accessorized folk!

And lo, Shire Pharmaceuticals brought forth Adderall XR, and the people rejoiced.

Thanks to Adderall, the less-efficient, well-accessorized among us can now be successful too!

Guys, I took an Adderall when I started writing this post and then worked for 8 hours straight at my actual job instead of this blog!

The DEA says Adderall is a Schedule II drug due to its having "significant abuse and addiction potential", which sounds really scary until you remember that they also say cannabis is a Schedule I drug due to "significant abuse and addiction potential and no accepted medical use". So in other words, Adderall: Safer Than Pot!

Furthermore, is there even such thing as "abusing" a drug that makes you better in every way that society chooses to evaluate you? Does it even matter if I get "addicted" to a drug that my insurance covers and whose main effect is to make me objectively better at my job and my life in general? Is addictiveness alone reason to keep something away from us? What if strawberries were really addictive -- would we require a prescription for them just because someone might get hooked? Of course that would be silly.

Some of us are able to see a doctor and get a prescription for Adderall, but for those who need Adderall the most, this is a huge obstacle! For the disorganized and chronically late among us, who can find the time to locate a doctor, verify insurance coverage, schedule an appointment, show up to it, get a prescription, and then go get it filled at a pharmacy? I estimate it would take the average well-accessorized person at least 18 months to complete this series of tasks. All that, when we could just put the stuff in vending machines so anyone with a few bucks could improve their life, or at least their day. It can't be any worse than cigarettes candy.

Adderall: My Solution To The World's Problems